.in the world of make-believe.

dapat nga bang may dash ung "make-believe"?
i seem to have lost my sense of everything. i've been gone for the longest time, i think. wala na kcng time. and even if i do, i can't write as much as my brain would like to. nwalan nga ba ng gana? mxado ng akong preoccupied? whatever! basta.. i just can't do it.
i tried sending my entry via email nung nsa zamboanga ako. pero malamang it didn't work kc walang nka post. i was not able to keep track of the many things that happened to me. and the world outside.
i went to zamboanga and finally nagmeet n kme ni jay, ang nwawala kong pinsan. hehe. kc he was in a review school last year. and got to spend time with judee, isa pang bum. and xmpre c augie. and c carl. cute tlga ng kid na un. mis ko na xa... got teary-eyed when we visited lola. hai... [lage nman akong ganun.]
went to cagayan de oro also, for a convention. was invited by my tita. that's basically the reason why i went there. we arrived a day before the event. so we had time to go to the malls. ni-tour kme ni tita tonet. i was wearing this pink top and black skirt. and guess what? my isang shop dun sa robinson's mall yta un na ung mga ngtitinda e nka pink den at black pants. ayus! made fun of it nlng.
that convention was pretty tiring. and honestly, ndi appealing ung after ng 2nd day nmen dun. cnundan p kme sa hotel nung friend ni tita at ng present ng powerpoint and prang continuation ng mga tinuturo nila. pagod nkc tas pipilitin kpa na makinig.
me and my cuz bonded too much na nagtampo na ung tita ko kc d n xa npapansin. hehe. onga nman kc. minsan lng xa d2 sa pinas tas ganun lng ung mangyayari. cried on that one too. may mali ren kc ako dun.
wen we got back to zamboanga, we left for basilan nman. btw, zamboanga to cagayan is 13-14-hour bus ride. sakit sa katawan. hehe. buti nlng sanay ako matulog sa travel. kaya ok nren. so un nga, we stayed in basilan until the day of my flight back to manila. it's really a nice place. d nga lng halata. coz the news said this and that. m happy ren nkapunta nko ng lamitan. was not able to go there last time coz tulog pa ako lage pag umaalis ung tito ko. i had a wonderful time there. sulit ang bakashon. sayang lang d ko na pwde ma extend coz may nauna na sa allocation.
when i came back from vacation, bago na ung supervisor. and bago na mga rules. and a few days after, i think. may another supervisor nnman and a new team was formed. and kasali ako dun. so bago nnman. super daming ngyari. ndi nko naghhoard. pero im still working on improving my productivity. un nlng ang problem ko kc ndi nren ako nalelate! yey! so happy tlga.

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nsa ps na c choy. d man lng ngsabe pra kunwari ako ngrefer. sa expedia p nman xa napunta. big time ang bonus dun. hehe. i'm fishing for agent wannabe's. need money e. hehe. kaya ung mga gusto magkaron ng work jan, msg me. email or txt of ym. kht ano, basta let me know. hehe.

+++

i've read a couple of books this time. im almost done with "the sisterhood of the traveling pants" and next stop will be hp6. excited nko. :p

and movies nman, i don't wanna punish myself for watching a tagalog movie on widescreen. i really don't like watching too much tagalog movies. lalo na sa cine. k lng if vcd or dvd at home. pero we thot it was ok kaya ayun...
the rest of movies ive seen lately were good. altho ndi ako naiyak sa if only. nalunkot lng. ewan ko. bato n yta ako. and un the sisterhood of the traveling pants nman, prang andun na ung luha ko sa gilid ng mata. pero wala p ren. it was a good movie tho.

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tatay's staying with us now. ok lng nung una coz at least may ngpeprepare ng dinner pagdating ng utol ko. aso sumobra nman. kc kht walang kakain, may fud p ren. nasasayang nman. tas i found under his bed[which was supposed to be my bed] na meron xang improvised ashtray. @!*$^~ tlga. told him he can smoke his lungs out basta sa labas and wag sa loob ng house. oo nman xa. kaso the other day naglinis ako, merong bagong "ashtray" ang kulit tlga ng lolo huh. naku!

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we're not ok nnman ng mum ko. pucha tlga. i really hate it pag d kme ok coz we tend ko get bitchy with one another. at least, that's how im feeling. hope we'll be ok soon.
and i was really upset na iparinig pa nila saken ni kuya ung conversation nila which is about me! grabeh. i don't understand why she did that. kung cnaja ba nya, and that it's her way of letting me know na mag abot nman ako ng money sknya. or, or.. whatever. un lng kc nkikita ko.
wala daw xa pkialam kung ano gawen ko sa money ko pero with what she said prang ndi ganun ung ibig nya sbhen.ngbibigay nman ako huh. ndi nga lng regular. pero bkit b money ko un e. hai.. ayoko nlng manumbat.
sana nlng d na nila iparinig sken ung ganung usapan. ang sakit kc.

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we're still not in speaking terms ni ben. i dunno if things would ever be the same again. i think i lost a friend. i blame it on both sides. i admit nman na may mali ako. and i did my part in trying for us to be ok. or cgro d nya alam un. bhala na. un na un. period.

+++

sana i can tell these things sa knya. thoughts that bothered me. emotions that leave only pain. ung mga apy moments ko, sana pwde ko ikwento. ung mga plans a and b and so on.. sana pwde ko hingin ang opinion nya sa mga bagay2. sana anjan pa xa para ma enlighten ako. sana pwde nya i explain kung bakit nangyayari ang mga bagay sa buhay ko na ndi ko naiintindihan. sana lng tlga.

~~~~
pero wala xa. limot na. nde. ndi xa nalimutan. anjan lang xa sa ilalim ng cloud of thoughts ko. sana naiintindihan nya.

the ending

when i was a kid, i had only dreamed of becoming a nurse, said i would like to follow the footsteps of my parents.

and as a regular in doctor's clinics, ERs, hospital wards and private rooms, and has been to labs and almost all places you can see in a hospital [except the morgue; which i think was the only place left.. oh, and delivery room], i had imagined how hard it should be to work as a nurse. and i felt there is so much responsibility over the patients. tough job. plus the image of my mum working so hard and not getting what was for her further "strengthened" my decision.

i realized, at 12, that i didn't want to make my childhood dream come true. i told myself i don't want to become a registered nurse anymore. that was the end of it.

i could if i would, but

i borowed bon's copy of grisham's "a time to kill" a few months ago and just finished recently. i wasn't reading much, not like i used to, during the time when the book was in my hands. the reason is stress, i guess. when i considered work as work--and i'm not really enjoying it at all, when i drowned myself in tears, when i lacked so much of a good night sleep, when everything around me makes me sick.yeah, it was stress. thus, the book sat with me for the longest time.

as i made my way through the pages, i remembered him who sent me an SMS saying, "pwede ka maging lawyer." maybe i could if i would, but i never really wanted to be a lawyer. i may be inspired to study law back in college coz i like my professor then but that's just about it. or i could study anything and everything and enjoy arguing and stuff like that but never push myself to pass the bar and pursue a career as a lawyer. never.

but what if i had? what if i were?

i would like to be a criminal lawyer. like Jake Brigance, i'd like to be a defense laywer to criminal cases. i think i'm gonna love it. and because i'm not filthy rich, i'd require a fee. haha! but you see, this is no ordinary job. my client's life is at stake. what if my client gets charged for something he didn't really do? i might die too if any of my be sentenced to death. i'd feel i will be responsible for his life if he hires me as his lawyer.

by the way, "a time to kill" is a good read. i learned about things that happen in, behind and outside the courtrooms. the role of the jurors reminded me of one of the many important things i learned in school - that you are accountable for your kapwa. [sorry, i couldn't find the appropriate term]. if i were given such responsibitly, i should take into considration everything else that is affected by a certain thing. i should not think only of myself but everyone else too.

and as reich used to say, "Not everything is about you."

mind bloggin'

june 25, 2005 - the date when i last updated my blog. it's been a while indeed. i usually log into my account even if i don't have anything to write, or nothing to change on my template. but due to some kind of policy implemented inside our office premises [or was it just someone who did something to block the websites that we frequent], i was unable to write thoughts that came in randomly. i also wasn't able to check my friendster, which has been a great medium for communicating with old time friends and new. and i wasn't able to clean up my mailbox that was flooded by emails from different groups that i have.

i had no choice but to remember the events in my life that happened every single day and keep it in my head until i cannot contain it any longer. [what was it that i just said?]

well, there's nothing else to do. coz i don't wanna keep a hardcopy of my journal since i learned mum has been reading through all my writings. shit. i don't feel like sharing my thoughts with her. coz when i do, we, more often than not, end up arguing and hating each other for criticizing each other. and i hated that feeling i get whenever that happens.

so what happened while i was not here blogging?

i've witnessed 5 rallies along ayala ave. since gma confessed that she was the one on the phone conversation with garci. it was a disgusting sight. people in red and yellow gathered around and chanted some nonsense. confetti was all over the road and by the gutter and on the soil. air smelled so so something. coming from the building, i smelled the sweet corn and the distinct smell of fishballs, squidballs, etc. then as my friends and i cross the road, pungent smell of urine lingered. and sweat of people who marched from nowhere and settled along the sides of the streets. i don't want to sound "maarte" but call me one if you would, but the scene was really oh so yucky. i've never seen ayala ave. crowded by the "masa" and littered with all trash the people had carelessly thrown. that's why i could only react this way.

it was a good business for fx drivers though. since all escalators and elevators that led to and from the walkway and underpass, everyone has no choice but to walk away from the crowded ayala intersceting paseo. people who got off from work took the fx rides to landmark to avoid walking the farther route and sweating like one is in hell.

bought breakfast meals from jollibee everyday.

i stayed in the mall and go home until closing time.

finally got myself a new wallet. it was quite expensive for the kind of material but it's the nicest Emily Strange item left. i really like her now. i first saw it from margaux and it looks fine then. but now, i like it very much. im gonna save money again to buy that bag i like also.

fixed my VL and will soon enjoy the cool air breeze down the archipelago.

i dumped this guy who is inadvertently inlove with me.

did one more stupid thing. i texted rj and said that i was wondering why he deleted his post. i really shouldn't have done it. i got a reply with the reason why the entry was deleted which was sent from his "new number."

although i didn't think it was healthy, i drank less water and more soda.

i've been reading the papers recently. as in most of the pages. that is so not me. hmmm.

saw some movies past due. and a couple of new one too.

went to this bingo thingie. i didn't win but i'd like to go back. :p

visited Assumption during an American holiday coz we don't have work. i was happy to see old professors and personnel who still remember me. and ms. sion and sir mel from cybernook. those people we "bullied" and made friends with to get a seat in the lab, and access internet endlessly, and print our stuff. and Manong Ted, the school guard, my favorite. he knew about that guy i cried over with. and he always asks how im doing and he gives advice more than i needed. but i still listen to everything he says and in his story. he was a nice person. God bless Manong Ted.

i managed to pass the required email quota by week 260 and saved myself from ESP. i hope i made my new supervisor happy now. i sensed she loves giving out warnings.

i failed 3 sessions of QA and it was so unlikely to happen. i got mad. but i couldn't blame anybody but myself. i've been careless.

i'm a receipient of OPS performance bonus for june. i didn't have any call-ins. yey!

there are a lot of things that happened. these are just a few of "the highlights," if i may say. i'll be back with more.

~orange juice~

the bully wears a mask
projects a being unknown to men
locks the true blush, hindering
radiance. let it not be discovered
let alone surmise what it can see
beyond obscurity
melancholy is enveloped by wrath


**nonsensical. what a pity.
~~~~
you don't know how it feels to be so in love with someone who doesn't even know

back at work

working nga ba?

im late for work and it's the 8th time this month. haha! i don't worry about getting a warning on my SAF. [kc kahit late ako, may mas late pa saken. at walang iba kundi c... *drum rolls* xa nah un.]

pagdating ko wala ng emails sa mailbox. yipee! ndi nga ba eto ung pinagdasal ko kahapon? para makapag blog ako. pero mmaya na un. [pero eto nah un dba?!] im gonna work on my template later. wanna sleep sana kc super sakit ng head ko. think im sick. i dont wanna visit a doctor for check-up, not that im afraid of those needles and other stuff and bloody procedure and what not to help determine what causes this severe headache. i just dont wanna hear that im sick of whatever kind.

sigh.

so un. basta m not really working. i have. but there's nothing else to do.

thank goodness coz il be needing some rest too.

on a sunday afternoon

i got to check my friendster only now. coz it was "under" surf control back in the office. thanks to IT? nweiz, i was surprised to see five messages there. i don't get much messages from friends in friendster nman kc unless it's really important.

one message was quite funny.

a friend replied to a post i placed on bulletin. said his birthday will be in september pa. so why did i greet? hehe. he obviously does not frequent friendster. and pretty much doesn't know how it goes about. my message was posted on bulletin and intended for public reading. i was actually greeting all june celebrants, to save me from missing a birthday which i often do for the past months. coz we are using a different timezone in the office. excuses, excuses.

im looking forward to have more idle time back at work so i can continue working on my blog. nyahaha. m being paid to work on my blog and angel's. doesn't sound so good.

im not gonna check my email today which is probably flooded by messages from that yahoogroup that i joined. such a waste of time to clean my inbox. il read any important message they have maybe tomorrow.

this pc here in netopia nga pala is kinda weird. coz the screen displays japanese characters. buti na lang i know which buttons should be clicked and what everything else means kahit na it's written in japanese.

haven't talked to lui since her visit to PS. her "barkada" was supposed to meet that day for an overnight thing. i was invited but the "gathering" would push through even without me. and it really wouldn't matter if i'll be there or not. might as well not be there. who cares?!

i don't wanna talk to anyone of them for now. or maybe for a couple of weeks or months. anyone but lui. buti nlang she called earlier. got to talk for a few good minutes. and hindi pala cla natuloy. buti nlang tlaga d me ngdecide pumunta. i would be so mad then. lage kc clang palpak sa plano.