november pest

this month has not done me any good. lahat na yta ng panahon na nbadtrip ako, nalungkot, naiyak, nagalit andito nah. there were times na masaya ako. pero i couln't help but think na may kapalit ung pagiging msaya ko. a few more days to go and i'll be glad this will be over.

birthday blues

over nga ba? im looking forward to my 22nd birthday and i don't think it will be that much fun. not everyone remembers my birthday. coz if it doesn't fall on a weekend, it surely will be a no-class, no-work day. and people tend to forget to greet you coz they don't see you. (some people do.) well, it's on a holiday kc. buti na lng i have work, it might cheer me up. i was invited to watch a movie with some friends. i hope to have a good time.

btw, c allan lng and lui among my "friends" ang nkakaalala. and allan was the only one who has been constantly greeting me whenever possible. ok lang sana kaso.. one time, he told me something like friends nga kme ni lui coz we have these "birthday blues" nga. coz i was telling him na im upset that the other guys don't remember. hai.. wag sana maghanap ng treat ung iba jan na ndi nman alam kung kelan ang bday ko. =(

m really sad.

i'm planning to buy that red jacket from adidas or that red bag na mukhang ubos na. gift ko sa sarile ko pra happy me. but it depends if i have money pa. =( got to pay for gadget pa.


undas
i was asked to stay in pasig for two nights. coz walang ksamang "grown-up" ung 2 cuzins ko and the helper. i agreed to go since i've got work during the holidays. and i anticipated heavy traffic here along sucat hi-way on those days. while i was there, i found out kuya went to the cemetery already. he could go alone and he does it sometimes nman tlaga. so i texted my mum and coco when will we go to visit my dad's grave. and nobody replied. when i came home, i learned they have already gone there and did not wait for me. i was really sad and kind of mad coz it was the first time they went without me. how could they do that? we have always planned the date and time when everyone is good to go. and now they just didn't wait for me.


graveyard
i thought there's nothing scary sa mga graveyard. well, i don't go there alone nga kc dba. whether it was day or night. but when i went earlier to visit my dad's grave, i got really scared dhil ako lng mag-isa. alam mo ba ung huling poste na may ilaw sa gitna ng kalsada? ndi pa un dun. malayo pa. ndi nman ako dpat matakot kc marami pang tao. pero lahat cla palabas na. i didn't see anyone na papunta plang sa loob. and it was getting dark. and these people, ndi ko cla kilala. wat if they come near me and snatch my fone? =( or take me somewhere else that nobody can hear me? and kht na sumigaw ako, wala p ren mkakarinig saken. wat if they simply hurt me? ndi p nman alam sa bahay kung san ako nagpunta. i decided id call someone and tell him/her where i was. pra in case i don't return, malalaman nyo wer i was the last time. i was thinking of calling lui pero mlamang tulog un. paul didn't answer his fone. cno nlang? allan? asar ako sknya e. pero cge. he answered and told him wer i was. he instructed me to get out immediately. what the hell?! i just arrived. i promised to text him when im ok na.

i felt the need to go there before i have my birthday. i feel obliged to visit. i feel bad when each day passes and i couldn't at least drop by. i thought that maybe he would visit me instead if i won't make it to his grave.

i wished i brought scissors and cleaning stuff to fix the place. but even if i have it with me, i won't be able to do it. i lit a candle and talked to him. i miss him so much. i promised to go back some other time.


commencement exercises
nag leave ako for 2 days. first is to attend my mum's grad for her master's degree. the second day was supposed to be to attend a wedding.

sa PICC ung grad. it was the most disorganized event i've ever been to. sabe 2pm ung start, then it became 1pm. and when we got there, we thought we were already late. but no. it did not start until past 3pm. we have witnessed them do their rehearsals right there when they were supposed to have started already. the school president did not bother to practice his speech. he was a complete mess. and it was really funny. and those students kept standing and moving around while the president was making his terrible speech and the guest speaker who was good but has a weird accent. i recalled the grad practice we had back in college. we were strictly not allowed to stand and go anywhere else unless we finish. i wonder how we looked from behind. it must have been beautiful.

back to this grad. i hope next time they would work hard to improve it. they don't look like they could produce well-mannered students who can pass board exams. btw, the school.. it's PCHS.

that day i got mad kay kuya. it has something to do with money. i always pay for our transpo. he's always libre. wtf. on our way to PICC, i paid for the taxi. then pauwi mum borrowed some money from me and i gave her my last money assured that we could still go home ni kuya with what money he has. he's got lakad that night so i guessed that was the reason he wants to hurry. e kaso traffic. tas gusto pa nya mag taxi. i've got 20php left and he took it to add to his money. i don't have any money n tlga. we could've taken fx kaso galit n xa kuno. watever! he does not know how to make tipid. he'll spend everything khit ndi na kanya. BS tlga.

i left home the following day coz i don't want to go to the wedding anymore. and besides, i don't have money for another taxi ride. and xa nnman ang ksma ko. so i went with my cuzin nlng kc mag-eenrol xa nung araw na un. kuya txted and was looking for me. i didn't reply. and after 2 hours, his gf called and asked wer i was and how we wud mit to go to church. after nun, ndi pa kuntento ang kuya ko. he texted me pa. letting me know galit xa and telling me things i should've done. i nver tell him wer i go so why wud i bother tell him wer i was dat day. tas he blamed me pa coz f he knew sana daw maaga xa nkaalis ng house. ndi ko na problema un. asar tlga ako.

my sassy girl
i've seen that small billboard of the movie somewhere. and when basti invited me to watch, i refused. i don't like too much of those korean or chinese soaps and stuff anymore. and i definitely would not watch it in theaters. pero sabe nila maganda and it's really funny. so one time when my brother borrowed a vcd from his friend, we watched it at home. and sobrang funny nya. i told everyone i know na panoorin ung movie. so far all responded positively. except for karen. sabe nya it was the movie she was criticizing. pero it seemed to me na ako ung pinupuntirya nya and that jologs ang dating mo if u were caught watching korean flicks. so i told her i didn't like those stuff nga and wud never see it in big screens. pero prang ndi nya nagets. and thought na i watched it sa cine pa. ano buzz! ndi nga e. tas un, nag argue nkme. it was thru txt lang. oo napikon ako. e ndi ko nagustuhan ung mga cnabe nya. ndi lng kme nagkaintindihan. bhala nah. we haven't talked since it happened. that was nov. 12.
gudluck sa mga susunod na araw.

message sent

i'm always thankful for people who stay even if i show them the real me, coz i can't be soeone others presume or expect me to be. it's nice to know you remain while i can just be me.ü

i sent this message to 8 people and got only 1 reply. =(

sabe nya, i'm perfect d way i am and that gr8ful xa 4 having me as a friend. and kahit lage nya ako sabihan na mataray, she can see that deep inside i'm nice and sweet.

how can sum1 actually find a cursing girl sweet and nice? may mali cgro sknya. hehe. pero natouch ako dun. coz not all people can actually see it. kakaiyak tuloy. thanks huh!

happy days

and now we're slightly weathered, we're slightly worn

our hands grip together, eye to eye through the storm, yet

i still believe in ever after with you, yeah

coz life is a pleasure with you by my side,

and there ain't no current in this river we can't ride

i still believe in ever after with you

.in the world of make-believe.

dapat nga bang may dash ung "make-believe"?
i seem to have lost my sense of everything. i've been gone for the longest time, i think. wala na kcng time. and even if i do, i can't write as much as my brain would like to. nwalan nga ba ng gana? mxado ng akong preoccupied? whatever! basta.. i just can't do it.
i tried sending my entry via email nung nsa zamboanga ako. pero malamang it didn't work kc walang nka post. i was not able to keep track of the many things that happened to me. and the world outside.
i went to zamboanga and finally nagmeet n kme ni jay, ang nwawala kong pinsan. hehe. kc he was in a review school last year. and got to spend time with judee, isa pang bum. and xmpre c augie. and c carl. cute tlga ng kid na un. mis ko na xa... got teary-eyed when we visited lola. hai... [lage nman akong ganun.]
went to cagayan de oro also, for a convention. was invited by my tita. that's basically the reason why i went there. we arrived a day before the event. so we had time to go to the malls. ni-tour kme ni tita tonet. i was wearing this pink top and black skirt. and guess what? my isang shop dun sa robinson's mall yta un na ung mga ngtitinda e nka pink den at black pants. ayus! made fun of it nlng.
that convention was pretty tiring. and honestly, ndi appealing ung after ng 2nd day nmen dun. cnundan p kme sa hotel nung friend ni tita at ng present ng powerpoint and prang continuation ng mga tinuturo nila. pagod nkc tas pipilitin kpa na makinig.
me and my cuz bonded too much na nagtampo na ung tita ko kc d n xa npapansin. hehe. onga nman kc. minsan lng xa d2 sa pinas tas ganun lng ung mangyayari. cried on that one too. may mali ren kc ako dun.
wen we got back to zamboanga, we left for basilan nman. btw, zamboanga to cagayan is 13-14-hour bus ride. sakit sa katawan. hehe. buti nlng sanay ako matulog sa travel. kaya ok nren. so un nga, we stayed in basilan until the day of my flight back to manila. it's really a nice place. d nga lng halata. coz the news said this and that. m happy ren nkapunta nko ng lamitan. was not able to go there last time coz tulog pa ako lage pag umaalis ung tito ko. i had a wonderful time there. sulit ang bakashon. sayang lang d ko na pwde ma extend coz may nauna na sa allocation.
when i came back from vacation, bago na ung supervisor. and bago na mga rules. and a few days after, i think. may another supervisor nnman and a new team was formed. and kasali ako dun. so bago nnman. super daming ngyari. ndi nko naghhoard. pero im still working on improving my productivity. un nlng ang problem ko kc ndi nren ako nalelate! yey! so happy tlga.

+++

nsa ps na c choy. d man lng ngsabe pra kunwari ako ngrefer. sa expedia p nman xa napunta. big time ang bonus dun. hehe. i'm fishing for agent wannabe's. need money e. hehe. kaya ung mga gusto magkaron ng work jan, msg me. email or txt of ym. kht ano, basta let me know. hehe.

+++

i've read a couple of books this time. im almost done with "the sisterhood of the traveling pants" and next stop will be hp6. excited nko. :p

and movies nman, i don't wanna punish myself for watching a tagalog movie on widescreen. i really don't like watching too much tagalog movies. lalo na sa cine. k lng if vcd or dvd at home. pero we thot it was ok kaya ayun...
the rest of movies ive seen lately were good. altho ndi ako naiyak sa if only. nalunkot lng. ewan ko. bato n yta ako. and un the sisterhood of the traveling pants nman, prang andun na ung luha ko sa gilid ng mata. pero wala p ren. it was a good movie tho.

+++

tatay's staying with us now. ok lng nung una coz at least may ngpeprepare ng dinner pagdating ng utol ko. aso sumobra nman. kc kht walang kakain, may fud p ren. nasasayang nman. tas i found under his bed[which was supposed to be my bed] na meron xang improvised ashtray. @!*$^~ tlga. told him he can smoke his lungs out basta sa labas and wag sa loob ng house. oo nman xa. kaso the other day naglinis ako, merong bagong "ashtray" ang kulit tlga ng lolo huh. naku!

+++

we're not ok nnman ng mum ko. pucha tlga. i really hate it pag d kme ok coz we tend ko get bitchy with one another. at least, that's how im feeling. hope we'll be ok soon.
and i was really upset na iparinig pa nila saken ni kuya ung conversation nila which is about me! grabeh. i don't understand why she did that. kung cnaja ba nya, and that it's her way of letting me know na mag abot nman ako ng money sknya. or, or.. whatever. un lng kc nkikita ko.
wala daw xa pkialam kung ano gawen ko sa money ko pero with what she said prang ndi ganun ung ibig nya sbhen.ngbibigay nman ako huh. ndi nga lng regular. pero bkit b money ko un e. hai.. ayoko nlng manumbat.
sana nlng d na nila iparinig sken ung ganung usapan. ang sakit kc.

+++

we're still not in speaking terms ni ben. i dunno if things would ever be the same again. i think i lost a friend. i blame it on both sides. i admit nman na may mali ako. and i did my part in trying for us to be ok. or cgro d nya alam un. bhala na. un na un. period.

+++

sana i can tell these things sa knya. thoughts that bothered me. emotions that leave only pain. ung mga apy moments ko, sana pwde ko ikwento. ung mga plans a and b and so on.. sana pwde ko hingin ang opinion nya sa mga bagay2. sana anjan pa xa para ma enlighten ako. sana pwde nya i explain kung bakit nangyayari ang mga bagay sa buhay ko na ndi ko naiintindihan. sana lng tlga.

~~~~
pero wala xa. limot na. nde. ndi xa nalimutan. anjan lang xa sa ilalim ng cloud of thoughts ko. sana naiintindihan nya.

the ending

when i was a kid, i had only dreamed of becoming a nurse, said i would like to follow the footsteps of my parents.

and as a regular in doctor's clinics, ERs, hospital wards and private rooms, and has been to labs and almost all places you can see in a hospital [except the morgue; which i think was the only place left.. oh, and delivery room], i had imagined how hard it should be to work as a nurse. and i felt there is so much responsibility over the patients. tough job. plus the image of my mum working so hard and not getting what was for her further "strengthened" my decision.

i realized, at 12, that i didn't want to make my childhood dream come true. i told myself i don't want to become a registered nurse anymore. that was the end of it.

i could if i would, but

i borowed bon's copy of grisham's "a time to kill" a few months ago and just finished recently. i wasn't reading much, not like i used to, during the time when the book was in my hands. the reason is stress, i guess. when i considered work as work--and i'm not really enjoying it at all, when i drowned myself in tears, when i lacked so much of a good night sleep, when everything around me makes me sick.yeah, it was stress. thus, the book sat with me for the longest time.

as i made my way through the pages, i remembered him who sent me an SMS saying, "pwede ka maging lawyer." maybe i could if i would, but i never really wanted to be a lawyer. i may be inspired to study law back in college coz i like my professor then but that's just about it. or i could study anything and everything and enjoy arguing and stuff like that but never push myself to pass the bar and pursue a career as a lawyer. never.

but what if i had? what if i were?

i would like to be a criminal lawyer. like Jake Brigance, i'd like to be a defense laywer to criminal cases. i think i'm gonna love it. and because i'm not filthy rich, i'd require a fee. haha! but you see, this is no ordinary job. my client's life is at stake. what if my client gets charged for something he didn't really do? i might die too if any of my be sentenced to death. i'd feel i will be responsible for his life if he hires me as his lawyer.

by the way, "a time to kill" is a good read. i learned about things that happen in, behind and outside the courtrooms. the role of the jurors reminded me of one of the many important things i learned in school - that you are accountable for your kapwa. [sorry, i couldn't find the appropriate term]. if i were given such responsibitly, i should take into considration everything else that is affected by a certain thing. i should not think only of myself but everyone else too.

and as reich used to say, "Not everything is about you."

mind bloggin'

june 25, 2005 - the date when i last updated my blog. it's been a while indeed. i usually log into my account even if i don't have anything to write, or nothing to change on my template. but due to some kind of policy implemented inside our office premises [or was it just someone who did something to block the websites that we frequent], i was unable to write thoughts that came in randomly. i also wasn't able to check my friendster, which has been a great medium for communicating with old time friends and new. and i wasn't able to clean up my mailbox that was flooded by emails from different groups that i have.

i had no choice but to remember the events in my life that happened every single day and keep it in my head until i cannot contain it any longer. [what was it that i just said?]

well, there's nothing else to do. coz i don't wanna keep a hardcopy of my journal since i learned mum has been reading through all my writings. shit. i don't feel like sharing my thoughts with her. coz when i do, we, more often than not, end up arguing and hating each other for criticizing each other. and i hated that feeling i get whenever that happens.

so what happened while i was not here blogging?

i've witnessed 5 rallies along ayala ave. since gma confessed that she was the one on the phone conversation with garci. it was a disgusting sight. people in red and yellow gathered around and chanted some nonsense. confetti was all over the road and by the gutter and on the soil. air smelled so so something. coming from the building, i smelled the sweet corn and the distinct smell of fishballs, squidballs, etc. then as my friends and i cross the road, pungent smell of urine lingered. and sweat of people who marched from nowhere and settled along the sides of the streets. i don't want to sound "maarte" but call me one if you would, but the scene was really oh so yucky. i've never seen ayala ave. crowded by the "masa" and littered with all trash the people had carelessly thrown. that's why i could only react this way.

it was a good business for fx drivers though. since all escalators and elevators that led to and from the walkway and underpass, everyone has no choice but to walk away from the crowded ayala intersceting paseo. people who got off from work took the fx rides to landmark to avoid walking the farther route and sweating like one is in hell.

bought breakfast meals from jollibee everyday.

i stayed in the mall and go home until closing time.

finally got myself a new wallet. it was quite expensive for the kind of material but it's the nicest Emily Strange item left. i really like her now. i first saw it from margaux and it looks fine then. but now, i like it very much. im gonna save money again to buy that bag i like also.

fixed my VL and will soon enjoy the cool air breeze down the archipelago.

i dumped this guy who is inadvertently inlove with me.

did one more stupid thing. i texted rj and said that i was wondering why he deleted his post. i really shouldn't have done it. i got a reply with the reason why the entry was deleted which was sent from his "new number."

although i didn't think it was healthy, i drank less water and more soda.

i've been reading the papers recently. as in most of the pages. that is so not me. hmmm.

saw some movies past due. and a couple of new one too.

went to this bingo thingie. i didn't win but i'd like to go back. :p

visited Assumption during an American holiday coz we don't have work. i was happy to see old professors and personnel who still remember me. and ms. sion and sir mel from cybernook. those people we "bullied" and made friends with to get a seat in the lab, and access internet endlessly, and print our stuff. and Manong Ted, the school guard, my favorite. he knew about that guy i cried over with. and he always asks how im doing and he gives advice more than i needed. but i still listen to everything he says and in his story. he was a nice person. God bless Manong Ted.

i managed to pass the required email quota by week 260 and saved myself from ESP. i hope i made my new supervisor happy now. i sensed she loves giving out warnings.

i failed 3 sessions of QA and it was so unlikely to happen. i got mad. but i couldn't blame anybody but myself. i've been careless.

i'm a receipient of OPS performance bonus for june. i didn't have any call-ins. yey!

there are a lot of things that happened. these are just a few of "the highlights," if i may say. i'll be back with more.

~orange juice~

the bully wears a mask
projects a being unknown to men
locks the true blush, hindering
radiance. let it not be discovered
let alone surmise what it can see
beyond obscurity
melancholy is enveloped by wrath


**nonsensical. what a pity.
~~~~
you don't know how it feels to be so in love with someone who doesn't even know

back at work

working nga ba?

im late for work and it's the 8th time this month. haha! i don't worry about getting a warning on my SAF. [kc kahit late ako, may mas late pa saken. at walang iba kundi c... *drum rolls* xa nah un.]

pagdating ko wala ng emails sa mailbox. yipee! ndi nga ba eto ung pinagdasal ko kahapon? para makapag blog ako. pero mmaya na un. [pero eto nah un dba?!] im gonna work on my template later. wanna sleep sana kc super sakit ng head ko. think im sick. i dont wanna visit a doctor for check-up, not that im afraid of those needles and other stuff and bloody procedure and what not to help determine what causes this severe headache. i just dont wanna hear that im sick of whatever kind.

sigh.

so un. basta m not really working. i have. but there's nothing else to do.

thank goodness coz il be needing some rest too.

on a sunday afternoon

i got to check my friendster only now. coz it was "under" surf control back in the office. thanks to IT? nweiz, i was surprised to see five messages there. i don't get much messages from friends in friendster nman kc unless it's really important.

one message was quite funny.

a friend replied to a post i placed on bulletin. said his birthday will be in september pa. so why did i greet? hehe. he obviously does not frequent friendster. and pretty much doesn't know how it goes about. my message was posted on bulletin and intended for public reading. i was actually greeting all june celebrants, to save me from missing a birthday which i often do for the past months. coz we are using a different timezone in the office. excuses, excuses.

im looking forward to have more idle time back at work so i can continue working on my blog. nyahaha. m being paid to work on my blog and angel's. doesn't sound so good.

im not gonna check my email today which is probably flooded by messages from that yahoogroup that i joined. such a waste of time to clean my inbox. il read any important message they have maybe tomorrow.

this pc here in netopia nga pala is kinda weird. coz the screen displays japanese characters. buti na lang i know which buttons should be clicked and what everything else means kahit na it's written in japanese.

haven't talked to lui since her visit to PS. her "barkada" was supposed to meet that day for an overnight thing. i was invited but the "gathering" would push through even without me. and it really wouldn't matter if i'll be there or not. might as well not be there. who cares?!

i don't wanna talk to anyone of them for now. or maybe for a couple of weeks or months. anyone but lui. buti nlang she called earlier. got to talk for a few good minutes. and hindi pala cla natuloy. buti nlang tlaga d me ngdecide pumunta. i would be so mad then. lage kc clang palpak sa plano.

happy father's day

happy father's day to all fathers out there.

Sonnet 17

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

waxed out

damn good movie. me and some officemates saw house of wax on tuesday night. lucky for mai and anne they were able to release tension by screaming. but not for me. i was cursing but just couldn't scream. i sank in my seat and was still for the longest time i couldn't remember how long it has been. we headed for the terminal right after the movie and went our separate ways.

i wanted so much to take the passenger seat of the shuttle so i can stretch my legs that felt numb and weak [i really wasn't moving a joint back in the movie house], but for some reason there was this annoying old but not aged man who blocked my way. so i left the passenger seat alone coz i thought people waiting after me might get mad already.

i sat on the second of four rows of the shuttle, beside the window. then this "semikal" guy in a smart casual clothing with earphones on sat next to me. [cute.] sigh.

i suddenly thought of my ideal guy that my family should meet. i repeat, SHOULD. i know i would consider my own preferences in choosing the right kind of guy but then it is not the only thing that would matter. there are a lot more things. and you know how Filipino families do get in the way of "love" or what not.. in choosing who "would be" right for any Filipino daughter or son, in some cases.

i understand that family do take this role, especially parents, to protect and in a way try to guide and provide the best for their children. but i hope they would leave to their children the decision of choosing a partner. =)

*maldita*

pau: may barkada pala xa.
me: cno?
pau: c chito.
me: bkit?
pau: kase tinanong ko bakit cla nakatayo. sagot ni chito, "barkada break"
lolz!

carla's 23rd birthday

went to carla's birthday last night.
and it was also to celebrate the best thing, i guess, that happened to her so far.
she passed CPA board exams.
was happy she still remembers me.
had no intention of going there because i don't know how to get to the place.
but i found out jill is going there too after her work.
and i have to wait for her.
and so i waited.
and we took the bus as advised by a friend.
and not the mrt coz we'll have to walk if we do.
and then hailed a cab.
and reached the destination.
and saw some old friends from accounting block.
and we shared stories of some things passed.
and heard lots of stories on their hardships and what not during CPA reviews,
and that their block was bound by a curse that only two may pass in every CPA exam held.
had a pretty good time with them. :p
had to leave early coz work is waiting the following day.
enjoyed the ride home.
hope to see them again.

isusumbong kita kay jodie, cge

wala lang magawa...

me: tigers ba ung ust?
pau: yep
me: a ok. tnx
pau: cno to
me: duh!
me: ako
pau: duh ur face
me: duh ka ren!
me: sumbong kita kay jodie!
me: kc bad ka
pau: erika
pau: lang ya
me: cno kala mo? haha
pau: c angel

affected

nabasa ko 'to sa blog ni rj.
pwede namang sabihinig galit, bakit kailngan pang magsinungaling?
pwede namang sagutin ako ng "oo! fuck off will you?" bakit kailangan pang manahimik pag tinatanong?
pwede namang sabihing wag na akong magparamdam, bakit kailangang sabihing ayos lang pero cold naman?
pwede namang ako kausapin at komprontahin, bakit kailangan pang ganito?
hindi naman ako tanga para hindi maramdaman to ah.
bakit kailangang bale walain?
nakakainggit
pero sana kinakausap mo ako
kahit panay mura lang ang sinasabi mo
basta sigurado ako sa nararamdaman mo
halata naman eh
wag mo itago
hindi ako tanga
nakakainggit
sana kinakausap mo pa rin ako
sana sinasabi mo ang nasa loob mo
sawa na ako sa ganitong sitwasyon
akala mo ba lagi nalang ako ang mali
hindi sa lahat na oras kailangang tanggapin ko iyon
nakakairita kasi hindi mo naman na-apprecite lahat eh
ngayon alam ko na
masyado lahat mataas ang expectation mo
at hindi mo nagustuhan ang binigay ko
non-sense nanaman ako
leche

posted by ray john @ 11:56 AM


ano naman ngayon? affected ba ako?

oo, affected ako. assuming siguro ako, pero affected ako. kahit alam ko hindi ako sigurado kung kanino patungkol ang mga sinulat mo. ang mga bagay na ito ay madalas ko naririnig sa iyo. noon pa un, matagal na. marahil limot na. pero ako, naaalala ko pa ren.

oo, guilty ako. kaya ako nag rreact. at tulad mo, ito lang ang paraan ko para ilabas ang nararamdaman ko. alam ko maraming hindi makakaintindi kung bakit ko pa kailangan gawin ang bagay na ito. pabayaan niyo na lang ako. isipin niyo na lang na makakagaan sa loob ko itong ginagawa ko.

hangover

we were at the dining table. food is served but not for me. ang sarap p nman ng fud! pritong talong. and tilapia. sobrang takam na takam ako. since i don't have all the chance to eat those kind of food. i knew mum won't let me eat but i still asked for permission.

"hindi pwede. lugaw lang sa yo" sabe ng mum ko.

"baka nman hangover yan?" tanong ni kuya.

sun was setting already and im still not feeling well. i puked out all i ate since breakfast. and was looking really pale.

"baka nman may ininom ka. uminom ka ba dun?" he asks again.

yes. but im not telling. not in front of my mum. i took the last half glass of chito's illegally possesed emperador. and just two cans of san mig light. [1 can is worth 65.00php]

"uminom kba ng wine or ladies' drink?" asked my mum.

"punch" dagdag ni kuya.

i lied, "iced tea lng."

a few moments of silence.

"mag cupcake ka na lang." sabe ni kuya. pero sabe nnaman ng mum ko hindi nga pwede.

maya-maya.. nagligpit ng gamit c kuya at nilabas lahat ng laman ng bag niya. sabay tapon ng 2 cupcake sa table dun mismo sa harap ko.

sumigaw ako, "hindi nga pwede."

"e hindi naman sa yo yan" sagot niya.

and then tells me, "erika, ang sungit sungit mo ha!"

more silence. then i asked mum, "e fish, pwede?"

makulit talaga ako. pero anong gagawen ko sa lugaw. wala nmang lasa un!

sumagot ang nanay ko, "you make my day.. mother's day"

onga. tangna. not often do i feel my mum care about me tas ako pa makulit at nagagalit. tears fell down my cheeks as i sat silently there.

a lot more silence. then mum said, "baka naman sa punch yan na ininom mo?"

"may cnabe ba akong uminom ako ng punch!"

natawa na lang kme ni kuya before i finally stood up and left the table.

and now kuya [knows my blog address] probably knows what really happened.

hindi ako na food poison or nkainom ng contaminated water. i was thinking maybe because i took a med to stop the itching on my back caused by alcohol kaya prang nagbounce and instead na itchy e nilabas ko na lang.

bawal mag-internet

my lunch break was almost over when i opened my email to check for new messages. then i noticed bon has sent a message to our group on yahoo. so i told him, "ikaw lang ang masipag mgsend sa yahoogroups naten." he went over to my station and instructed me to open one of the emails that i got, click on the link and to play the game.

i thought that it would be just another trick where, when opened, a bloody-faced girl would scream at your face. hell, i was never wrong. i "played" the spot-the-difference game. [with sounds] good thing i didn't put my headset exactly where it should be. and then i saw her.

they didn't hear her scream, only mine. nakakahiya. andami ytang nkarinig na ksama ko sa work.

cnabe n kc... bawal mag internet!

on remembering

I won't let time erase
One bit of yesterday
'Cause I have learned that
Nobody can take your place
Though we can never be
I'll keep you close to me
When I remember

Glittering lights
Incandescent eyes
Still preserved in my mind
In the mem'ries, I'll find solace

can you see me?

i got used to reading blogs now and learn about other people's lives -- friends and strangers -- and kept myself updated with what's happening to some of my friends especially those who i don't always see and get in touch with.

reading their stories sometimes makes me happy, makes me laugh, makes me think, and rarely makes me cry.

i've read a couple of entries from blogs containing sad thoughts and too many unhappy endings. and i never felt so sad about it. but this time it did. i dunno what's in it specifically but i cried. and i couldn't stop myself. it didn't last too long, tho. nevertheless, i feel like im feeling the same way pong did. yes, it was pong's entry on our blog that made me cry.

and badz laughed at me when he saw me crying. of course, he laughed after finding nothing so touchy and feely on that entry. and bon said something like mababaw ang luha mo.

oo, mababaw nga. and i'm not afraid that others would see me crying. since i don't often express what i feel inside, i always cry it out. it's my way of releasing any suppressed emotions that i may have. i may be telling my friends what my problems or concerns are, but it's just not everything. and i open up to friends more than i ever do to my immediate family. you may not be able to fully imagine how hard it feels.. coz you're not like me. it's really hard.

i'm learning.. but for now, at 21 i am still the same kid whose true feelings are reflected in the amount of tears she pours out. and it takes a bold eye to fully understand.

sLeepyhead

hindi kme natuloy sa gerry's kahapon which is fine. really fine. and so i decided i'd come with anne and basti and kasama daw c judith for dinner. but then, since my email productivity was low, i said ndi nlang. then, i lied about meeting my cousin. so i couldn't stay any longer at my station. i had to leave. =( i asked pau to wait for me para sabay kme uwi. mhirap daw umuwi kc konti lng transpo coz jeepney drivers are on stike. pagdating sa mall, pau's gonna meet someone daw. so i guessed i'll just stroll around. pero mgkasama kme. [she was waiting for that person who sold her a dvd copy of stained glass. haha!]
i was upset that my supposedly plan was ruined and it's because i couldn't stand staying at work after shift. u know... well, you really don't know. never mind. u didn't hear me.
so there, ikot kme ni pau sa mall. nafeel ko nagugutom nko. and wished sumama nlang ako kina basti. i suspected pau would hate me for inviting her to eat. but i still asked if gusto nya kumain, and she said yes. edi kain kme. yipee!
after meeting up with that stained glass seller, we went home already.
at home, i asked my cousin kuya to help me dye my hair. since he knew how to coz he dyes his own hair too. nweiz, when i finished, i watched my two-week old pamangkin cry. tagal nya umiyak, and ndi malaman ano talaga gusto nya.
npapagod nko kakahintay sa dye, and sabe pa ni kuya, hintay pa konti. so humiga muna ako hanggang nakatulog na. mum woke me up and told me to shampoo my hair na. my tita was there at that time and offered to wash my hair. o dba.. hehe. so i grabbed my shampoo and the conditioner included in the pack.
after that, i combed til my hair dried a bit. and went to bed. *michael buble playing in the background.* ten minutes passed. twenty. Hindi pa ren ako makatulog. past 1am na. i have to sleep na. wala pa ren. inisep kong wag na matulog. pero ndi pwde dahil alam kong itutulog ko lang un sa work.
gniseng ako mum ko ng maaga. pero sadyang mabagal ako kumilos kya pagdating sa ofc, late!
at sobrang antok pa dahil sa kulang na tulog. konti lng ang na-process kong emails ngayon. nakaktamad. pero ndi pwde mangyari to. pero ndi ko ren kaya.
tapos ngayon nakuha ko pang mag blog.
hai,, i've wasted so much time today. =(
uuwi nko. excited nko makita c kuya. uuwi na xa. ngresign na daw xa sa work. mdadagdagan ang kalat at kulit sa bahay. pero ayos lng. hehe.
sana magaling na c coco, ang kapatid kong bunso. wala akong mautusan. :p

Last Kiss

i never knew the story behind it until now.
it is yet another sad story. but it was pretty good.
she died in that car crash. before she breathed her last, he gave him a warm kiss - they're last kiss. he must really love her so much. he thinks of being with her again when time comes that he'll leave this world too.

can't see in the dark

kahit mukhang maliwanag ang gabi, hindi pa ren nabibigyan ng linaw ang mga bagay na gumugulo sa aking isipan. ang dami kong iniisep at pinoproblema na cguro ay hindi na dapat pagtuunan ng pansin. pero alam niyo nman saken,,, lahat nlang big deal.

whatever!

ang gulo ng blog ko. an dami nnmang nwala. kakaedit ko ng template. ngyon inaayos ko nnman 'to. cant find my haloscan. damn.

nwala ren ung special effects ko pra sa title bar. uh huh. at mraming nagulo sa format na gusto ko. and ung counter ko =(

salamat nga pla sa nagnakaw ng wallet ko at sa hassle na binigay mo sken ngyon. leche ka! bibigay ko xo un money dhil un lng nman tlga kelangan mo. ndi mo nman klangan un gamit ko e. importante saken ung mga un. b3p tlga.

sana pinambayad ko nlang sa mas better seat sa concert ung nakuha mo saken.

ndi ako mkapag leave. ayos lng un. pero ndi ren ako mkpag call in kc ndi sumsagot un supervisor ko. aabsent ako tom. bhala na. i really need to fix those BS.

ndi pko nkakkuha ng cedula. na kelngan daw ng bank. and un power of attorney. hell with these stuff.

tas meron pa d2 sa work na cnabihan ako na mag-headset nlang kung magpplay me ng music that contains profanity. and that if i want to play songs, sana ung ok sa pandinig ng majority. cge na. nkaheadset nko. wala na sanang makikialam saken. i didn't mean to harm anybody with my kind of music. sorry na. ok?

at eto pa. nbasa ko na ung email ng isang friend. a very good friend. i can feel na sobrang concern xa saken. kaya lng alam mo nman na mhirap para saken un suggestion mo. kung suggestion ba tawag dun or ur telling me to do that/those. watev! basta un. nhihirapan ako. nweiz, thanks for loving me and caring for me.

i believe i am strong. but it's always nice to have you near. thank u so much! u know who you are.

at sa iba pang bagay... akin nlng un. -- "not right now, i need some space."

gosh! i dunno what i've done and have not done to deserve all these shit and more.

before i end this, i wanna thank lui singkit. kc she understands me so well. thanks for always being there. for laughing and crying with me. i miss you so much.

what would you do?

"n reality, wat wl u do f within 10scnds of rcvng dis txt, id be dying?
wat f im only w8ng 4 ur rply 2 say d thngs u nvr sed 2me b4?
wat wL u tel me?
il w8..."

msg sent to 9 [people]

and then came three replies.

1. A lot! Syempre! Pro i knw it wont hapen.. Ano k b wg ka gnyn der r oder ways of usng ur unlmtd.. Bsta, sum of d thngs.. "thankyou & iloveyou bst frend" nyt! ü

2. That u are 1 of my most treasurd frends, that i truly truly truly am thankful 4 having u n my lyfü

3. i bcame happy wn i was wd u

sad.
kc tatlo lng un bumalik. where were the other six? hai, sana wala lng clang load kya ndi nkpag reply. pero happy na ren. coz reading these three replies that i got made me feel good.

Stranded

You know it only breaks my heart To see you standing in the dark alone
Waiting there for me to come back
I’m too afraid to show
If it’s coming over you
Like it’s coming over me
I’m crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to the sea
And I wanna be with you
And you wanna be with me
I’m crashing like a tidal wave
And I don’t wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded
I can only take so much
These tears are turning me to rust
I know you’re waiting there for me to
Come back
I’m to afraid to show
I miss you, I need you
Without you, I’m stranded
I love you so come back
I’m not afraid to show

When Love met Madness

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, virtues and vices wandered bored, not knowing what to do.

One day, they were all gathered and bored more than ever when Ingenious had an idea: Why don't we play hide and seek? And all of them liked the idea, and immediately the mad Madness shouted: I want to count, I want to count and since no one else was crazy to seek for Madness, Madness leaned on a tree and started to count, 1, 2, 3. And as Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding.

Tenderness hung on the horn of the moon; Treason in a pile of garbage; Fondness curled up between the clouds; Lie said he would hide under a stone but he lied and hid at the bottom of the lake; Passion went to the center of the earth; Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking....

And Madness continued to count, 79,80, 81,82. All the vices and virtues were already hidden by then, except for Love, whom as undecided as he is, did not know where to hide. And this should not surprise us because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

And Madness was already at 95, 96,97.and just at the moment when she arrived at hundred, Love jumped into a rosebush and there he hid out. And Madness shouted "I'm coming! I'm coming!" and as she turned, the first one she saw was Laziness, thrown to her feet because he didn't have any energy to hide.

Then she saw Tenderness in the horn of the Moon, and Lie at the bottom of the lake, and Passion in the center of the earth... Discovering them one by one, finding all of them but one. Madness was getting desperate, unable to find the last missing one, until Envy, envious for having been discovered, whispered to Madness: "You are lacking Love, and he is hiding in the rosebush."

And Madness took a wooden pitchfork, and stabbed at the rosebush, and stabbed and stabbed, till a heartbreaking shout made her stop.

And, after the shout, Love came out covering his face with his hands, and from between his fingers run two threads of blood, out of his eyes.

Madness anxious to find Love had took out Love's eyes with the pitchfork. What have I done?, what have I done? - she shouted. I have left you blind! How can I repair it? And Love answered, you can't restore my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you could be my guide.

From that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.

busy-busyhan * winks*

whew! an daming mails! [as if ngtrabaho ng tama] i was busy blogging away. m searching for blog skins for my blog.

ilang oras nko ndi nkdaan d2? may tagboard n pla. at andami ng updates. buti nman natigil na yang pokwang ishu n yan. hopefully.. last n nga yan.

ang baho tlga nung durian. and2 p sa tabi ko knina un bagfull of durian. pero ayos lng. wala nman akong mgawa sa npaka-makapit na amoy ng prutas n un na masarap daw. dbale Pooh, ngayon lng yan.

so ano nman un tunkol sa cnasabe ni Pong? may problema ba tau d2? wala nko balita huh. panalangin ko'y sana magkaayusan na ang mga taong involved. kung meron mang kaguluhan o alitan n nagaganap sa aking harapan na ndi ko man lamang nararamdaman.

well, minsan tlaga sadyang ndi naten gusto ang ktangian o mga ktangian o ang buong pgkatao ng isang tao. [magulo ba?] minsan, hindi nten kyang tagalan ang ka-ichurahan ng taong ndi nga nten gusto. kht nga walang ginagawa ung tao sa atin ay ndi p ren nten kakayanin na makapiling ang taong iyon.

we cannot please everyone.

o kaya nman, posibleng may ngawa ang isang tao na ndi mo ngustuhan or bka nsaktan ka kaya ayaw mo sknya. at sa pagkakataong ito, ndi nman msama na kausapin un tao dba. ngunit ndi p ren nten gnagawan ng praan para mging maayos ang sitwasyon. [putek! ayaw ko nga sa tao tas kakausapin ko pa. wag na noh!]

ayan! yan n nga. at kita mo ang ngiging resulta.

nakakalunkot ang ganitong bagay lalo na kung ndi alam ng taong concerned. sana ay kayanin nten na kausapin ng maayos ang taong dapat nteng kausapin. tau2 n nga lng magkakasama, mgkakasiraan pba?

alam ko andami ko n ren nkabangga sa loob at labas PS. [madami na un pra saken.] tao lng ako. maaring iniisep nyo na ang kapal ko nman tlga pra mgsalita ng ganito. bhala kayo kun un ang iisipen nyo. humihingi ako ng kaptawaran mula senyo na nsaktan sa aking ka-clumsy-han.

nais kong samantalahin ang pagkakataong ito pra psalamatan ang lhat sa grupo. altho may mga araw na ndi mganda pra sa akin. kadalasan ay nramadarman ko nman ang kasiyahan. at dahil un senyong lhat.

reich.

tenk u sa mga tulong mo sa ano mang praan na ibinigay mo saken. salamat den sa pagpapakita mo ng tunay na ugali simula p lang nung nsa training kme. at nung nsa floor na, ndi ko mkalimutan ung cnabe mo na ok lng magtanong ng mgtanong hnggang sa makuha ko na.
at lalo na sa blog advice. :p

stela mai.

nakatuwa tlgang mkatabi c mai. solve ako kht wala akong sounds sa pc dat time. salamat sa joke time.

badz. bon.

ang lage kong ksama sa break at idle time. sa kulitan. salamat sa pakikinig sa lhat ng hinanakit ko sa buhay, sa pagbibigay ng mga payo.

pau.

lage kong ksabay sa shuttle. thanks pau 4 trusting me and all. d ko naisep mgiging close tau. dhil ang sungit ng ichura nung NHO plang. ever since enjoy ksama c pau. sobrang saya pla ksama. grabeh, kakabagin kme sa kktawa. anything goes. and wlang keme. ppasok sa work kht ndi ngsusuklay. but knows to act appropriately at times n klngan tlga. miss na kita kc ndi n tau ngkksabay umuwi l8ly.

moe. chito. dan. ben.

mga lunch buddies. minsan nlulunkot ako pag corned beef nnman ang pnabaon saken. pero dhil sa knila, sumasarap ang kainan.

humihingi ren ako ng sory kay chito. alam ko minsan sobra na ang pang aapi ko. [pero ksalanan ko ba kun namamatanda xa?!] paumanhin, ngunit minsan ndi ko lng tlga msakyan ang biro mo. o dkya nman ay baduy lng tlga at ndi ko trip.

basti. anne.

ndi ko akalain mgiging close kme. ang sabe ko pa nuon ndi ko makita ang sarile ko na ksama cla. dhil ndi tlga kme nag usap. pero nuon un, nung ndi ko p tlga kilala kun cno cna basti at anne. ngyon, msaya ako at nkakasama ko cla hnggang sa panonood ng sine at pag-iikot sa mall. enjoy nman pla ksama ang dlwang makulit.

ate jo.

kun ano man un ngyari. ngksala ako sa pagtatanim ng sama ng loob sau at ndi man lang kita knausap abt d2. iniisep ko kc na dpat alam mo na un. dhil sa tingin ko ay gnawa ko nman ang part ko. sorry. masaya ren ako at ng uusap n tau ngyon. salamat den sa pagpa2alala na ndi ko dpat hugasan ang mukha ko kun pagod.

angel.

kala mo bati na tau huh. pcenxa n sa gnawa ko. pero klngan kitang kausapin. pcenxa na kung ndi mo ngustuhan un. tingin ko bata kpa at ndi mxadong cautious sa mga actions mo. naiintindihan ko. gusto ko lng iparating sau na sumama ang loob ko. un lng. nptawad n kita. sana ako den.

sa ibang wala d2 sa sirkulasyong ito, gusto ko p ren iparating ang pasasalamat at sa tulong nyo saken, kung meron. at kun wala nman, slamat n ren. nging bahagi n kyo ng buhay ko. hindi ko kyo mkakalimutan.

meron pba kong nkalimutan? *isep pa*

oo. c otep.

joseph.

anjan ka pla! hehe.. tenk u sa pgiging mbait. sa pgpapahiram ng empeetwee. sa presence mong hindi halata. ito'y lubos n nkkpagpasaya sa amin. [seryoso na.] sori ren kc bka naiinis kna sa mga hirit nmen. kc sa totoo lang. prang wala ka kht anjan ka. except lang pag may kainan. sana next time ipa-feel mo naman samen lahat na may otep pala. wahaha!

whew! nnman. kapagod un huh.

oo, guilty ako. tao lng ako na ngkakasala. mahilig mamintas. at nag eenjoy na mamintas ng kapwa. ngunit may puso ren ako at may kinikilalang Diyos na bumabatok saken kpag sobra na ang ksamaan na ngagawa ko sa ibang tao.

sa oras na 'to, ndi ko alam kun ano ang susunod n mangyayari matapos kong i-click ang publish button d2. ndi ko alm kun matutuwa b kyo saken? bka may mainis. ewan. dko tlga alam.

hinhiling ko ren na sna kausapin nyo ako kung meron man kyong ndi gusto saken. kelngan ko ren marinig ang mga saloobin nyo. alam ko makatulong to pra mag improve ako. xempre ndi ito magbabago sa isang tulugan. pero sisikapin ko.

ang drama. [ndi ako nkainom huh] at ndi pa ako magpapaalam. ssundin ko ang payo ni reich na 30-day notice pra sa resignation. if ever alis ako.

pcenxa na kun sabog. basta cnulat ko lng un mga naisep ko. [pero naiiyak nko]

mahal ko kyong lhat. goodluck sa aten.

across the universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru deva om
Nothing’s gonna change my world,
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing’s gonna change my world,
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open views inviting and inciting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
Million suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing’s gonna change my world,
Nothing’s gonna change my world.

i've heard of this song already but i didn't know this was a beatles original. i just learned about it a few weeks ago when i heard the song again from basti's mp3. that's when i began to really like the song. and like the beatles too.

but what about the image above? wala lang. cute.

where i stand

Thank u s pgpunta. its s0 nice 2 c u
2day. n0 amt 0f 0vrtym can pay. i
h8d myslf 4 being d ris0n y u easly
get irrit8d. ingat nlng pg uwi.ü

message sent

03.21.05 20.08

wash away

i changed my comments section to haloscan. and old comments are gone for good. thanks to all my friends who contributed and added a little something for me to ponder on. i still have copies of it. but as much as i would like to, i cannot leave it here on display.

opinions, comments and suggestions are very much welcome here. so just keep on posting. thanks.

Wishin' And Hopin'

Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin',
Plannin' and dreamin' each night of his charms,
That won't get you into his arms.

So if you're looking to find love, you can share,
All you gotta do is hold him, and kiss him, and love him,
And show him that you care.

Show him that you care, just for him.
Do the things that he likes to do.
Wear your hair just for him,
'Cause you won't get him
Thinkin' and a prayin',
Wishin' and a hopin',

Just wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin',
Plannin' and dreamin'
His kisses will start.
That won't get you into his heart.

So if you're thinking how great true love is,
All you gotta do is hold him,
And kiss him,
And squeeze him,
And love him,
Yeah Just do it,
And after you do,
You will be his.

You Gotta how him that you care just for him.
Do the things he likes to do.
Wear your hair just for him,
'Cause, you won't get him,
Thinkin' and a prayin',
Wishin' and a hopin'.

Just wishin',
And hopin',
And thinkin',
And prayin',
Plannin'
And dreamin'
His kisses will start.
That won't get you into his heart.

So if you're thinking how great true love is,
All you gotta do is hold him,
And kiss him,
And squeeze him,
And love him,
Yeah Just do it,
And after you do,
You will be his.

You...will...be...his.

You will be his!

PS batch 137 - Part II

hmmm.. may cnabe ba akong excited ako sa 6th month ko, huh? hehe. joke lang bon! thanks sa comment. nweiz, and2 ulit me kc xempre biten ung kwento ko. or kalimutan nlang? pero bkit ba? the space is mine. and il write whatever i want.

so un nga..

i was determined to get in the 2nd time around. i prayed and made, shall i say, a covenant to God. basta bigay nya saken ung work. coz i really need it na. then i had my friend submit my CV to HR. then after a few days i got a call. now sa landline na. and was immediately interviewed and was asked to come in person the following day. i got to choose the time of my exam. xempre may coñotics den. (say no more) :D basta un.. all went well that day. a big OK for me. :p

im thankful that i was accepted here. and im enjoying my stay here. although i can't deny na sometimes it becomes so boring. pero ayos lang. im surviving.

i wanna thank everyone at work who became my friends. from PS batch 137 and the rest who are and were in Experian 31a. and to others i've met along the way. life in PS could never be so fun without you.

PS batch 137

umm, big day nga ba? well.. technically, today is our 6th month in PS. and i haven't received my 5th month appraisal yet. good luck dba.. i wouldn't worry sana if i have been consistent with my performance at PS. e kaso i already have this verbal warning. shocks! i never received any warnings in my whole life and khit sa school. i have a clean record. and honestly, i never knew verbal warnings were in written form pala! ang t*nga dba. hehe.. i remember i had to sign it pa and write something like i promise to do this and that... prang commitment form.

last week, my lunch buddies were talking about our approaching 6th month. and they were joking around na what if the guard will not let us enter the office premises na pla and that we're terminated. kc pare-parehas kme wla pang appraisal. hai grabeh.. un lang msasabe ko.

i also read reich's post about her experience during application at PS. hmm.. i remembered mine tuloy which is similar to what happened to her. i don't wanna think about my first attempt to apply at PS. but for the record, i was desperate to get a job then. but i wasn't prepared yet when i answered the call. i knew i didn't sound good to that interviewer. and badtrip pa kc sa cel me tinawagan. and ang hina ng signal dun sa place ko. putek! he said they'll give me a call nlang. and hintayin ko nlang. and there was never another call. =(

no more tears

waaah! e bkit naiiyak nnman ako? =(

i said to myself i won't cry anymore. not over things not worth crying for. but i can't help it. hmmp! mgsusulat lng ng blog iiyak na. ang babaw ko tlaga. pano lahat ng nraramdaman ko ndi ko malabas. kaya ang hirap. ang bigat tuloy dalhin.

when will i ever learn?

hai naku.. alis na nga ako. i'll be back with more thoughts to share.

weekender

restday. restday. restday.

i hope i could get more sleep this weekend. more books to read. more fud to eat. more incoming txt msgs. more pondering. more bonding. more friends. more fun. more love.

and less nagging. less hot-tempered me! less hardships. less responsibilities. less puffy eyes from crying. and much more that i can only hope were less.

there's so much i'm missing right now. and so much i'm missing because of this.

precious sanctuary

i placed a tag on leux's, ang batang madungis that i barely know. hehe.. nweiz, the thing here is that i actually called my blog as my precious sanctuary. =( i'm feeling sad again. this has been my shelter since i made this. this is where my emotions were poured. well, not everything yet. and i have my friends here who embrace me as i am. and i must admit i'm having fun customizing it. though i don't have much time to really do this.

un lang..

bittersweet

hold me now

I have a picture, pinned to my wall. An image of you and of me and we're laughing and loving it all. But look at our life now, tattered and torn. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn.

Hold me now, warm my heart. Stay with me, let loving start.

You say I'm a dreamer, we're two of a kind. Both of us searching for some perfect world we know we'll never find. So perhaps I should leave here, yeah yeah go far away. But you know that there's no where that I'd rather be than with you here today.

You ask if I love you, well what can I say? You know that I do and if this is just one of those games that we play. So I'll sing you a new song, please don't cry anymore and then I'll ask your forgiveness, though I don't know just what I'm asking it for.

on letting go

finally, ntapos ko n ren ung deception point. thanks to reich. and since i don't like my stuff being returned to me with damages and all, i also do the same to other people. kaya i decided to change the plastic cover kc when i borrowed it, an dami munang kamay na dinaanan ung book na un bago tlaga dumating saken.

i enjoyed reading it. altho an tgal tlaga ngstay saken nung book. galing tlaga ni dan brown. and xempre, emotional as i can be, na-touch nnman ako. there is this part of the story na nafeel ko daw dba. hehe..

here's the part...


Michael Tolland felt like a man who had found hope on the way to the gallows.

Life is mocking me.

For years since Celia's death, Tolland had endured nights when he'd wanted to die, hours of pain and loneliness that seemed only escapable by ending it all. And yet he had chosen life, telling himself he could make it alone. Today, for the first time, Tolland had begun to understand what his friends had been telling him all along.

Mike, you don't have to make it alone. You'll find another love.

Rachel's hand in his made this irony that much harder to swallow. Fate had cruel timing. He felt as if layers of armor were crumbling away from his heart. For an instant, on the tired decks of the Goya, Tolland sensed Celia's ghost looking over him as she often did. Her voice was in the rushing water . . . speaking the last words she'd spoken to him in life.

"You're a survivor," her voice whispered. "Promise me you'll find another love."

"I'll never want another," Tolland had told her.

Celia's smile was filled with wisdom. "You'll have to learn."

Now, on the deck of the Goya, Tolland realized, he was learning. A deep emotion welled suddenly in his soul. He realized it was happiness.

And with it came an overpowering will to live.


kinda made me feel so sad. but it really was about learning to let go of the past. painful as it can be, i know the past is past. and it will stay there forever no matter how much i try to rekindle what was lost.

like Mike, i hope i would learn to really let go of the things in my past that i cling on to so much. and move on with life. i know there is so much in store for me that are yet to be explored. there's still so much that will make life colorful and happy. and like him, i hope i'll learn about it soon.

whatever happened yesterday

whatever happened to me yesterday.... grabe, i couldn't believe what i did.

pau and i decided to eat at kfc. there were only two lines and xempre dun kme sa shorter line. there, a group of three guys were placing their orders. i patiently waited kc sobrang tagal nila and ang gulo pa. then i saw this another guy walking towards the counter. he was wearing a shirt labeled "chick magnet." and isep ko nman ang feeling nito.. hehe. to my surprise, he stood beside me. about two feet yta. thanks to those guys in front and it seemed na dalawa ung line sa isang cashier. so after mtapos nung magugulo na yun. that "chick magnet" stepped in front of the line and inunahan ako. i got so irritated kc mlamang naman nkita nya na ko before pa xa lumapit dba? so i started complaining to pau. then, she approached that guy and talked to him. the guy was laughing pa na prang hindi nman nya alam. duh! anybody would have known where the line should be. chaka noh nakapila nga ako e.

when pau said na lipat nlang kme, i went to the manager and told him to make it clear where the lines should be. he said he'll take our orders nlang. pampalubag-loob ba? kainis talaga! sabe ko hindi na kme kakain dun! shocks.. when i heard what i just said that time, natigilan ako. did i mean na hindi na kame kakain dun ever? hehe... we went to another place instead pra kumain.

what i failed to tell the manager was that partly may mali ren ung crew behind the cashier. they create temporary lines to "accomodate" their customers. e kung sana nag-open nlang cla ng another cashier, mas clear pa na pwede pumila ung tao dun.

i can only imagine how i looked like nung knausap ko ung manager ng kfc. grabe, nakakahiya.

eto pa, kninang lunch ngcheck kme ni bon ng money sa atm. at merong nnamang extra! i was going to share what happened yesterday when bon stopped me. and said na alam na nya kc cnabe na ni pau. hmm.. and not only that, alam ren ng iba sa work. =( i think established na ang katarayan ko d2. mabait nman tlaga me huh! hehe.. i was so disappointed lang cguro kya ganun.

a new place to bee?

today, badz and i went to this new jollibee near SGV. is it that building? nweiz, we bought lunch to go. and hell, what poor service they have! slow-moving crew. badz said that almost everyone is like new hire. ok.. but then lots of products were not available. shushz! one girl said we had to wait for badz's crunchy twirl for five minutes. but hell! it took forever to wait for it. so badz ended up buying a pie instead. those people do not seem to understand how much time is wasted because of poor customer service they have. (ehem!) -- i know sometimes i don't care about time. but i'm the customer now. and i just want to share what i felt that time. it was so disappointing. how would they make a good first impression on customers like us if they don't do their work properly. =(

mga matang namumugto

this has gone way too far. i've been feeling really sad for quite sometime now. there's so much i've been thinking i dunno when i'd deal with it. well, i think i know what i should do. i just ain't doing it.

i stayed too long in glorietta yesterday with nothing to do in particular. i just wanted to be home dead tired. i tried to look for something to buy for myself, something that would make me smile. but i didn't find what i was looking for. i phoned friends. i ate at KFC. i bought coleslaw. ü

on my way out, i passed by those blind musicians and caught them singing "the greatest love of all" and i cried a tear. i dunno why. i guess i was just too emotional at that time. while waiting in line to ride the shuttle, jill passed by. i was happy to see an old friend. we didn't get to chat for long coz she has to find her own line. gosh! tatlong dekada ang pila sa shuttle namen. this was caused by a ten-wheeler truck that turned over somewhere in sucat, the driver told us. the ride home took so long. we had to reroute since traffic was heavy which was fine for me.

i came home and spoke to no one until mum arrived. actually, i don't think i would even talk if she hadn't asked me questions. i was lying in bed ready to fall asleep when she asked why i didn't bring my lunch that she prepared for me. she asked if i didn't like the food. and if i even went to work. why wouldn't i bring my lunch?

tears stream down my face as i struggle to sleep and hoped i didn't hear anything from her last night. i knew that, once again, i had hurt someone. i am hurting and not much people knew about it. i kept crying until i never felt it stop.

gonE fisHing

i'm in a reflective mode right now. i'll be back when i have pondered on things that concern me. have a nice day!

..idLe time..

yey! it's been a long time since we had this kind of idle time at work. when was the last time we emptied the mailboxes? hell, who would even remember! i'm just so happy about it.. :p

marked late!

alright, i was late for work today. "because it rained," i tried to reason. what a lame excuse. well, that's one factor why i was really late. makes sleeping more comfy. ü and hey! i cannot blame the jeepney driver for waiting, for what seemed like hours, for "potential" passengers. and then the rest led to this long day.

bLog it!

why didn't i choose to create my blog before? well, because i really didn't like the idea that somebody else reads what i have written in my journal. but because i guess it's human nature that no matter what, others will peep into my world. (hi mum!) so here, i might as well make the best of it and enjoy the most of it. at least i am able to express what i really feel inside. ummm, i guess that's just about it. ü