november pest

this month has not done me any good. lahat na yta ng panahon na nbadtrip ako, nalungkot, naiyak, nagalit andito nah. there were times na masaya ako. pero i couln't help but think na may kapalit ung pagiging msaya ko. a few more days to go and i'll be glad this will be over.

birthday blues

over nga ba? im looking forward to my 22nd birthday and i don't think it will be that much fun. not everyone remembers my birthday. coz if it doesn't fall on a weekend, it surely will be a no-class, no-work day. and people tend to forget to greet you coz they don't see you. (some people do.) well, it's on a holiday kc. buti na lng i have work, it might cheer me up. i was invited to watch a movie with some friends. i hope to have a good time.

btw, c allan lng and lui among my "friends" ang nkakaalala. and allan was the only one who has been constantly greeting me whenever possible. ok lang sana kaso.. one time, he told me something like friends nga kme ni lui coz we have these "birthday blues" nga. coz i was telling him na im upset that the other guys don't remember. hai.. wag sana maghanap ng treat ung iba jan na ndi nman alam kung kelan ang bday ko. =(

m really sad.

i'm planning to buy that red jacket from adidas or that red bag na mukhang ubos na. gift ko sa sarile ko pra happy me. but it depends if i have money pa. =( got to pay for gadget pa.


undas
i was asked to stay in pasig for two nights. coz walang ksamang "grown-up" ung 2 cuzins ko and the helper. i agreed to go since i've got work during the holidays. and i anticipated heavy traffic here along sucat hi-way on those days. while i was there, i found out kuya went to the cemetery already. he could go alone and he does it sometimes nman tlaga. so i texted my mum and coco when will we go to visit my dad's grave. and nobody replied. when i came home, i learned they have already gone there and did not wait for me. i was really sad and kind of mad coz it was the first time they went without me. how could they do that? we have always planned the date and time when everyone is good to go. and now they just didn't wait for me.


graveyard
i thought there's nothing scary sa mga graveyard. well, i don't go there alone nga kc dba. whether it was day or night. but when i went earlier to visit my dad's grave, i got really scared dhil ako lng mag-isa. alam mo ba ung huling poste na may ilaw sa gitna ng kalsada? ndi pa un dun. malayo pa. ndi nman ako dpat matakot kc marami pang tao. pero lahat cla palabas na. i didn't see anyone na papunta plang sa loob. and it was getting dark. and these people, ndi ko cla kilala. wat if they come near me and snatch my fone? =( or take me somewhere else that nobody can hear me? and kht na sumigaw ako, wala p ren mkakarinig saken. wat if they simply hurt me? ndi p nman alam sa bahay kung san ako nagpunta. i decided id call someone and tell him/her where i was. pra in case i don't return, malalaman nyo wer i was the last time. i was thinking of calling lui pero mlamang tulog un. paul didn't answer his fone. cno nlang? allan? asar ako sknya e. pero cge. he answered and told him wer i was. he instructed me to get out immediately. what the hell?! i just arrived. i promised to text him when im ok na.

i felt the need to go there before i have my birthday. i feel obliged to visit. i feel bad when each day passes and i couldn't at least drop by. i thought that maybe he would visit me instead if i won't make it to his grave.

i wished i brought scissors and cleaning stuff to fix the place. but even if i have it with me, i won't be able to do it. i lit a candle and talked to him. i miss him so much. i promised to go back some other time.


commencement exercises
nag leave ako for 2 days. first is to attend my mum's grad for her master's degree. the second day was supposed to be to attend a wedding.

sa PICC ung grad. it was the most disorganized event i've ever been to. sabe 2pm ung start, then it became 1pm. and when we got there, we thought we were already late. but no. it did not start until past 3pm. we have witnessed them do their rehearsals right there when they were supposed to have started already. the school president did not bother to practice his speech. he was a complete mess. and it was really funny. and those students kept standing and moving around while the president was making his terrible speech and the guest speaker who was good but has a weird accent. i recalled the grad practice we had back in college. we were strictly not allowed to stand and go anywhere else unless we finish. i wonder how we looked from behind. it must have been beautiful.

back to this grad. i hope next time they would work hard to improve it. they don't look like they could produce well-mannered students who can pass board exams. btw, the school.. it's PCHS.

that day i got mad kay kuya. it has something to do with money. i always pay for our transpo. he's always libre. wtf. on our way to PICC, i paid for the taxi. then pauwi mum borrowed some money from me and i gave her my last money assured that we could still go home ni kuya with what money he has. he's got lakad that night so i guessed that was the reason he wants to hurry. e kaso traffic. tas gusto pa nya mag taxi. i've got 20php left and he took it to add to his money. i don't have any money n tlga. we could've taken fx kaso galit n xa kuno. watever! he does not know how to make tipid. he'll spend everything khit ndi na kanya. BS tlga.

i left home the following day coz i don't want to go to the wedding anymore. and besides, i don't have money for another taxi ride. and xa nnman ang ksma ko. so i went with my cuzin nlng kc mag-eenrol xa nung araw na un. kuya txted and was looking for me. i didn't reply. and after 2 hours, his gf called and asked wer i was and how we wud mit to go to church. after nun, ndi pa kuntento ang kuya ko. he texted me pa. letting me know galit xa and telling me things i should've done. i nver tell him wer i go so why wud i bother tell him wer i was dat day. tas he blamed me pa coz f he knew sana daw maaga xa nkaalis ng house. ndi ko na problema un. asar tlga ako.

my sassy girl
i've seen that small billboard of the movie somewhere. and when basti invited me to watch, i refused. i don't like too much of those korean or chinese soaps and stuff anymore. and i definitely would not watch it in theaters. pero sabe nila maganda and it's really funny. so one time when my brother borrowed a vcd from his friend, we watched it at home. and sobrang funny nya. i told everyone i know na panoorin ung movie. so far all responded positively. except for karen. sabe nya it was the movie she was criticizing. pero it seemed to me na ako ung pinupuntirya nya and that jologs ang dating mo if u were caught watching korean flicks. so i told her i didn't like those stuff nga and wud never see it in big screens. pero prang ndi nya nagets. and thought na i watched it sa cine pa. ano buzz! ndi nga e. tas un, nag argue nkme. it was thru txt lang. oo napikon ako. e ndi ko nagustuhan ung mga cnabe nya. ndi lng kme nagkaintindihan. bhala nah. we haven't talked since it happened. that was nov. 12.
gudluck sa mga susunod na araw.

message sent

i'm always thankful for people who stay even if i show them the real me, coz i can't be soeone others presume or expect me to be. it's nice to know you remain while i can just be me.ü

i sent this message to 8 people and got only 1 reply. =(

sabe nya, i'm perfect d way i am and that gr8ful xa 4 having me as a friend. and kahit lage nya ako sabihan na mataray, she can see that deep inside i'm nice and sweet.

how can sum1 actually find a cursing girl sweet and nice? may mali cgro sknya. hehe. pero natouch ako dun. coz not all people can actually see it. kakaiyak tuloy. thanks huh!

happy days

and now we're slightly weathered, we're slightly worn

our hands grip together, eye to eye through the storm, yet

i still believe in ever after with you, yeah

coz life is a pleasure with you by my side,

and there ain't no current in this river we can't ride

i still believe in ever after with you

.in the world of make-believe.

dapat nga bang may dash ung "make-believe"?
i seem to have lost my sense of everything. i've been gone for the longest time, i think. wala na kcng time. and even if i do, i can't write as much as my brain would like to. nwalan nga ba ng gana? mxado ng akong preoccupied? whatever! basta.. i just can't do it.
i tried sending my entry via email nung nsa zamboanga ako. pero malamang it didn't work kc walang nka post. i was not able to keep track of the many things that happened to me. and the world outside.
i went to zamboanga and finally nagmeet n kme ni jay, ang nwawala kong pinsan. hehe. kc he was in a review school last year. and got to spend time with judee, isa pang bum. and xmpre c augie. and c carl. cute tlga ng kid na un. mis ko na xa... got teary-eyed when we visited lola. hai... [lage nman akong ganun.]
went to cagayan de oro also, for a convention. was invited by my tita. that's basically the reason why i went there. we arrived a day before the event. so we had time to go to the malls. ni-tour kme ni tita tonet. i was wearing this pink top and black skirt. and guess what? my isang shop dun sa robinson's mall yta un na ung mga ngtitinda e nka pink den at black pants. ayus! made fun of it nlng.
that convention was pretty tiring. and honestly, ndi appealing ung after ng 2nd day nmen dun. cnundan p kme sa hotel nung friend ni tita at ng present ng powerpoint and prang continuation ng mga tinuturo nila. pagod nkc tas pipilitin kpa na makinig.
me and my cuz bonded too much na nagtampo na ung tita ko kc d n xa npapansin. hehe. onga nman kc. minsan lng xa d2 sa pinas tas ganun lng ung mangyayari. cried on that one too. may mali ren kc ako dun.
wen we got back to zamboanga, we left for basilan nman. btw, zamboanga to cagayan is 13-14-hour bus ride. sakit sa katawan. hehe. buti nlng sanay ako matulog sa travel. kaya ok nren. so un nga, we stayed in basilan until the day of my flight back to manila. it's really a nice place. d nga lng halata. coz the news said this and that. m happy ren nkapunta nko ng lamitan. was not able to go there last time coz tulog pa ako lage pag umaalis ung tito ko. i had a wonderful time there. sulit ang bakashon. sayang lang d ko na pwde ma extend coz may nauna na sa allocation.
when i came back from vacation, bago na ung supervisor. and bago na mga rules. and a few days after, i think. may another supervisor nnman and a new team was formed. and kasali ako dun. so bago nnman. super daming ngyari. ndi nko naghhoard. pero im still working on improving my productivity. un nlng ang problem ko kc ndi nren ako nalelate! yey! so happy tlga.

+++

nsa ps na c choy. d man lng ngsabe pra kunwari ako ngrefer. sa expedia p nman xa napunta. big time ang bonus dun. hehe. i'm fishing for agent wannabe's. need money e. hehe. kaya ung mga gusto magkaron ng work jan, msg me. email or txt of ym. kht ano, basta let me know. hehe.

+++

i've read a couple of books this time. im almost done with "the sisterhood of the traveling pants" and next stop will be hp6. excited nko. :p

and movies nman, i don't wanna punish myself for watching a tagalog movie on widescreen. i really don't like watching too much tagalog movies. lalo na sa cine. k lng if vcd or dvd at home. pero we thot it was ok kaya ayun...
the rest of movies ive seen lately were good. altho ndi ako naiyak sa if only. nalunkot lng. ewan ko. bato n yta ako. and un the sisterhood of the traveling pants nman, prang andun na ung luha ko sa gilid ng mata. pero wala p ren. it was a good movie tho.

+++

tatay's staying with us now. ok lng nung una coz at least may ngpeprepare ng dinner pagdating ng utol ko. aso sumobra nman. kc kht walang kakain, may fud p ren. nasasayang nman. tas i found under his bed[which was supposed to be my bed] na meron xang improvised ashtray. @!*$^~ tlga. told him he can smoke his lungs out basta sa labas and wag sa loob ng house. oo nman xa. kaso the other day naglinis ako, merong bagong "ashtray" ang kulit tlga ng lolo huh. naku!

+++

we're not ok nnman ng mum ko. pucha tlga. i really hate it pag d kme ok coz we tend ko get bitchy with one another. at least, that's how im feeling. hope we'll be ok soon.
and i was really upset na iparinig pa nila saken ni kuya ung conversation nila which is about me! grabeh. i don't understand why she did that. kung cnaja ba nya, and that it's her way of letting me know na mag abot nman ako ng money sknya. or, or.. whatever. un lng kc nkikita ko.
wala daw xa pkialam kung ano gawen ko sa money ko pero with what she said prang ndi ganun ung ibig nya sbhen.ngbibigay nman ako huh. ndi nga lng regular. pero bkit b money ko un e. hai.. ayoko nlng manumbat.
sana nlng d na nila iparinig sken ung ganung usapan. ang sakit kc.

+++

we're still not in speaking terms ni ben. i dunno if things would ever be the same again. i think i lost a friend. i blame it on both sides. i admit nman na may mali ako. and i did my part in trying for us to be ok. or cgro d nya alam un. bhala na. un na un. period.

+++

sana i can tell these things sa knya. thoughts that bothered me. emotions that leave only pain. ung mga apy moments ko, sana pwde ko ikwento. ung mga plans a and b and so on.. sana pwde ko hingin ang opinion nya sa mga bagay2. sana anjan pa xa para ma enlighten ako. sana pwde nya i explain kung bakit nangyayari ang mga bagay sa buhay ko na ndi ko naiintindihan. sana lng tlga.

~~~~
pero wala xa. limot na. nde. ndi xa nalimutan. anjan lang xa sa ilalim ng cloud of thoughts ko. sana naiintindihan nya.

the ending

when i was a kid, i had only dreamed of becoming a nurse, said i would like to follow the footsteps of my parents.

and as a regular in doctor's clinics, ERs, hospital wards and private rooms, and has been to labs and almost all places you can see in a hospital [except the morgue; which i think was the only place left.. oh, and delivery room], i had imagined how hard it should be to work as a nurse. and i felt there is so much responsibility over the patients. tough job. plus the image of my mum working so hard and not getting what was for her further "strengthened" my decision.

i realized, at 12, that i didn't want to make my childhood dream come true. i told myself i don't want to become a registered nurse anymore. that was the end of it.

i could if i would, but

i borowed bon's copy of grisham's "a time to kill" a few months ago and just finished recently. i wasn't reading much, not like i used to, during the time when the book was in my hands. the reason is stress, i guess. when i considered work as work--and i'm not really enjoying it at all, when i drowned myself in tears, when i lacked so much of a good night sleep, when everything around me makes me sick.yeah, it was stress. thus, the book sat with me for the longest time.

as i made my way through the pages, i remembered him who sent me an SMS saying, "pwede ka maging lawyer." maybe i could if i would, but i never really wanted to be a lawyer. i may be inspired to study law back in college coz i like my professor then but that's just about it. or i could study anything and everything and enjoy arguing and stuff like that but never push myself to pass the bar and pursue a career as a lawyer. never.

but what if i had? what if i were?

i would like to be a criminal lawyer. like Jake Brigance, i'd like to be a defense laywer to criminal cases. i think i'm gonna love it. and because i'm not filthy rich, i'd require a fee. haha! but you see, this is no ordinary job. my client's life is at stake. what if my client gets charged for something he didn't really do? i might die too if any of my be sentenced to death. i'd feel i will be responsible for his life if he hires me as his lawyer.

by the way, "a time to kill" is a good read. i learned about things that happen in, behind and outside the courtrooms. the role of the jurors reminded me of one of the many important things i learned in school - that you are accountable for your kapwa. [sorry, i couldn't find the appropriate term]. if i were given such responsibitly, i should take into considration everything else that is affected by a certain thing. i should not think only of myself but everyone else too.

and as reich used to say, "Not everything is about you."

mind bloggin'

june 25, 2005 - the date when i last updated my blog. it's been a while indeed. i usually log into my account even if i don't have anything to write, or nothing to change on my template. but due to some kind of policy implemented inside our office premises [or was it just someone who did something to block the websites that we frequent], i was unable to write thoughts that came in randomly. i also wasn't able to check my friendster, which has been a great medium for communicating with old time friends and new. and i wasn't able to clean up my mailbox that was flooded by emails from different groups that i have.

i had no choice but to remember the events in my life that happened every single day and keep it in my head until i cannot contain it any longer. [what was it that i just said?]

well, there's nothing else to do. coz i don't wanna keep a hardcopy of my journal since i learned mum has been reading through all my writings. shit. i don't feel like sharing my thoughts with her. coz when i do, we, more often than not, end up arguing and hating each other for criticizing each other. and i hated that feeling i get whenever that happens.

so what happened while i was not here blogging?

i've witnessed 5 rallies along ayala ave. since gma confessed that she was the one on the phone conversation with garci. it was a disgusting sight. people in red and yellow gathered around and chanted some nonsense. confetti was all over the road and by the gutter and on the soil. air smelled so so something. coming from the building, i smelled the sweet corn and the distinct smell of fishballs, squidballs, etc. then as my friends and i cross the road, pungent smell of urine lingered. and sweat of people who marched from nowhere and settled along the sides of the streets. i don't want to sound "maarte" but call me one if you would, but the scene was really oh so yucky. i've never seen ayala ave. crowded by the "masa" and littered with all trash the people had carelessly thrown. that's why i could only react this way.

it was a good business for fx drivers though. since all escalators and elevators that led to and from the walkway and underpass, everyone has no choice but to walk away from the crowded ayala intersceting paseo. people who got off from work took the fx rides to landmark to avoid walking the farther route and sweating like one is in hell.

bought breakfast meals from jollibee everyday.

i stayed in the mall and go home until closing time.

finally got myself a new wallet. it was quite expensive for the kind of material but it's the nicest Emily Strange item left. i really like her now. i first saw it from margaux and it looks fine then. but now, i like it very much. im gonna save money again to buy that bag i like also.

fixed my VL and will soon enjoy the cool air breeze down the archipelago.

i dumped this guy who is inadvertently inlove with me.

did one more stupid thing. i texted rj and said that i was wondering why he deleted his post. i really shouldn't have done it. i got a reply with the reason why the entry was deleted which was sent from his "new number."

although i didn't think it was healthy, i drank less water and more soda.

i've been reading the papers recently. as in most of the pages. that is so not me. hmmm.

saw some movies past due. and a couple of new one too.

went to this bingo thingie. i didn't win but i'd like to go back. :p

visited Assumption during an American holiday coz we don't have work. i was happy to see old professors and personnel who still remember me. and ms. sion and sir mel from cybernook. those people we "bullied" and made friends with to get a seat in the lab, and access internet endlessly, and print our stuff. and Manong Ted, the school guard, my favorite. he knew about that guy i cried over with. and he always asks how im doing and he gives advice more than i needed. but i still listen to everything he says and in his story. he was a nice person. God bless Manong Ted.

i managed to pass the required email quota by week 260 and saved myself from ESP. i hope i made my new supervisor happy now. i sensed she loves giving out warnings.

i failed 3 sessions of QA and it was so unlikely to happen. i got mad. but i couldn't blame anybody but myself. i've been careless.

i'm a receipient of OPS performance bonus for june. i didn't have any call-ins. yey!

there are a lot of things that happened. these are just a few of "the highlights," if i may say. i'll be back with more.