i could if i would, but

i borowed bon's copy of grisham's "a time to kill" a few months ago and just finished recently. i wasn't reading much, not like i used to, during the time when the book was in my hands. the reason is stress, i guess. when i considered work as work--and i'm not really enjoying it at all, when i drowned myself in tears, when i lacked so much of a good night sleep, when everything around me makes me sick.yeah, it was stress. thus, the book sat with me for the longest time.

as i made my way through the pages, i remembered him who sent me an SMS saying, "pwede ka maging lawyer." maybe i could if i would, but i never really wanted to be a lawyer. i may be inspired to study law back in college coz i like my professor then but that's just about it. or i could study anything and everything and enjoy arguing and stuff like that but never push myself to pass the bar and pursue a career as a lawyer. never.

but what if i had? what if i were?

i would like to be a criminal lawyer. like Jake Brigance, i'd like to be a defense laywer to criminal cases. i think i'm gonna love it. and because i'm not filthy rich, i'd require a fee. haha! but you see, this is no ordinary job. my client's life is at stake. what if my client gets charged for something he didn't really do? i might die too if any of my be sentenced to death. i'd feel i will be responsible for his life if he hires me as his lawyer.

by the way, "a time to kill" is a good read. i learned about things that happen in, behind and outside the courtrooms. the role of the jurors reminded me of one of the many important things i learned in school - that you are accountable for your kapwa. [sorry, i couldn't find the appropriate term]. if i were given such responsibitly, i should take into considration everything else that is affected by a certain thing. i should not think only of myself but everyone else too.

and as reich used to say, "Not everything is about you."

mind bloggin'

june 25, 2005 - the date when i last updated my blog. it's been a while indeed. i usually log into my account even if i don't have anything to write, or nothing to change on my template. but due to some kind of policy implemented inside our office premises [or was it just someone who did something to block the websites that we frequent], i was unable to write thoughts that came in randomly. i also wasn't able to check my friendster, which has been a great medium for communicating with old time friends and new. and i wasn't able to clean up my mailbox that was flooded by emails from different groups that i have.

i had no choice but to remember the events in my life that happened every single day and keep it in my head until i cannot contain it any longer. [what was it that i just said?]

well, there's nothing else to do. coz i don't wanna keep a hardcopy of my journal since i learned mum has been reading through all my writings. shit. i don't feel like sharing my thoughts with her. coz when i do, we, more often than not, end up arguing and hating each other for criticizing each other. and i hated that feeling i get whenever that happens.

so what happened while i was not here blogging?

i've witnessed 5 rallies along ayala ave. since gma confessed that she was the one on the phone conversation with garci. it was a disgusting sight. people in red and yellow gathered around and chanted some nonsense. confetti was all over the road and by the gutter and on the soil. air smelled so so something. coming from the building, i smelled the sweet corn and the distinct smell of fishballs, squidballs, etc. then as my friends and i cross the road, pungent smell of urine lingered. and sweat of people who marched from nowhere and settled along the sides of the streets. i don't want to sound "maarte" but call me one if you would, but the scene was really oh so yucky. i've never seen ayala ave. crowded by the "masa" and littered with all trash the people had carelessly thrown. that's why i could only react this way.

it was a good business for fx drivers though. since all escalators and elevators that led to and from the walkway and underpass, everyone has no choice but to walk away from the crowded ayala intersceting paseo. people who got off from work took the fx rides to landmark to avoid walking the farther route and sweating like one is in hell.

bought breakfast meals from jollibee everyday.

i stayed in the mall and go home until closing time.

finally got myself a new wallet. it was quite expensive for the kind of material but it's the nicest Emily Strange item left. i really like her now. i first saw it from margaux and it looks fine then. but now, i like it very much. im gonna save money again to buy that bag i like also.

fixed my VL and will soon enjoy the cool air breeze down the archipelago.

i dumped this guy who is inadvertently inlove with me.

did one more stupid thing. i texted rj and said that i was wondering why he deleted his post. i really shouldn't have done it. i got a reply with the reason why the entry was deleted which was sent from his "new number."

although i didn't think it was healthy, i drank less water and more soda.

i've been reading the papers recently. as in most of the pages. that is so not me. hmmm.

saw some movies past due. and a couple of new one too.

went to this bingo thingie. i didn't win but i'd like to go back. :p

visited Assumption during an American holiday coz we don't have work. i was happy to see old professors and personnel who still remember me. and ms. sion and sir mel from cybernook. those people we "bullied" and made friends with to get a seat in the lab, and access internet endlessly, and print our stuff. and Manong Ted, the school guard, my favorite. he knew about that guy i cried over with. and he always asks how im doing and he gives advice more than i needed. but i still listen to everything he says and in his story. he was a nice person. God bless Manong Ted.

i managed to pass the required email quota by week 260 and saved myself from ESP. i hope i made my new supervisor happy now. i sensed she loves giving out warnings.

i failed 3 sessions of QA and it was so unlikely to happen. i got mad. but i couldn't blame anybody but myself. i've been careless.

i'm a receipient of OPS performance bonus for june. i didn't have any call-ins. yey!

there are a lot of things that happened. these are just a few of "the highlights," if i may say. i'll be back with more.

~orange juice~

the bully wears a mask
projects a being unknown to men
locks the true blush, hindering
radiance. let it not be discovered
let alone surmise what it can see
beyond obscurity
melancholy is enveloped by wrath


**nonsensical. what a pity.
~~~~
you don't know how it feels to be so in love with someone who doesn't even know

back at work

working nga ba?

im late for work and it's the 8th time this month. haha! i don't worry about getting a warning on my SAF. [kc kahit late ako, may mas late pa saken. at walang iba kundi c... *drum rolls* xa nah un.]

pagdating ko wala ng emails sa mailbox. yipee! ndi nga ba eto ung pinagdasal ko kahapon? para makapag blog ako. pero mmaya na un. [pero eto nah un dba?!] im gonna work on my template later. wanna sleep sana kc super sakit ng head ko. think im sick. i dont wanna visit a doctor for check-up, not that im afraid of those needles and other stuff and bloody procedure and what not to help determine what causes this severe headache. i just dont wanna hear that im sick of whatever kind.

sigh.

so un. basta m not really working. i have. but there's nothing else to do.

thank goodness coz il be needing some rest too.

on a sunday afternoon

i got to check my friendster only now. coz it was "under" surf control back in the office. thanks to IT? nweiz, i was surprised to see five messages there. i don't get much messages from friends in friendster nman kc unless it's really important.

one message was quite funny.

a friend replied to a post i placed on bulletin. said his birthday will be in september pa. so why did i greet? hehe. he obviously does not frequent friendster. and pretty much doesn't know how it goes about. my message was posted on bulletin and intended for public reading. i was actually greeting all june celebrants, to save me from missing a birthday which i often do for the past months. coz we are using a different timezone in the office. excuses, excuses.

im looking forward to have more idle time back at work so i can continue working on my blog. nyahaha. m being paid to work on my blog and angel's. doesn't sound so good.

im not gonna check my email today which is probably flooded by messages from that yahoogroup that i joined. such a waste of time to clean my inbox. il read any important message they have maybe tomorrow.

this pc here in netopia nga pala is kinda weird. coz the screen displays japanese characters. buti na lang i know which buttons should be clicked and what everything else means kahit na it's written in japanese.

haven't talked to lui since her visit to PS. her "barkada" was supposed to meet that day for an overnight thing. i was invited but the "gathering" would push through even without me. and it really wouldn't matter if i'll be there or not. might as well not be there. who cares?!

i don't wanna talk to anyone of them for now. or maybe for a couple of weeks or months. anyone but lui. buti nlang she called earlier. got to talk for a few good minutes. and hindi pala cla natuloy. buti nlang tlaga d me ngdecide pumunta. i would be so mad then. lage kc clang palpak sa plano.

happy father's day

happy father's day to all fathers out there.

Sonnet 17

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.